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(color me!) lemme goo onnn like a blister in the sun, lemme gooo onn.... [04 Jul 2005|10:59am] [ mood | calm ] [ music | ummm dunno ] yesterday= soo much fun went to the diner for breakfast with jill derek and gus, we parted so i could shower, then we went to gus's house and played with his insane dog, buster who is the cutttest thing... we decided to all get in derek's truck but we had no where to go, so i pointed in directions all the way to 23 which eventually led us to the GWbridge cuz that seemed like a nice place to go, so we drove aimlessly around the city for a while and then went to hoboken to eat... we had plans after we got home to go to the fair again,but we got kinda lazy... anyways i have to go figure out whats going on tonight, and beg for my keirstan to be off house arrest... Happy 4th of julyyyy

(color me!) lemme see ya get freaky baby, lemme see get nasty mami.... [29 Jun 2005|04:59pm] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | pitbull ] mommy still in the hospital but i think shes coming home tonight... Went to the medowlands fair last night with keir, marta, abdula, derek, danny and rodrigo... fun stuff for the most part.... Keir picked me up this morning and we went to see my mommy... now im waiting for derek to come over so i can feed him.... this weather is making me very very sleepy..... I really feel like going to cafe eclectic soon, i havent heard people talking about it latly so maybe its not so scean anymore and its ok to go there again... i think ill suggest it later... So i have been having the best summer so far... and i CANNOT wait to go to the bahamas with keir!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! so excited! I was thinking about it and i thought this summer was gunna be kinda depressing but i have soo much fun with my friends i cant think of anything i'd rather be doing! theres so much we find to go do.... :) anyways im gunna go get dressed and make plans for the night...

(6 made a rainbow | color me!) whos laughing now, pulled it off somehow.... [28 Jun 2005|12:09pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | catch 22- on&on&on ] ok so im going to recap since the last day of school... -keir marta and me left school after getting credit for being there, got markers wrote on boyfriends car, chilled with them some more, and went to graduation, fun stuff... -Friday me and derek went down the shore for the day and just chilled striaght thru the night -saturday shopping with the girls...jons graduation paartty, out to eat with derek... chilled with ang all night! -sunday...GOTTI party at the roxy with keir, amanda, nicole, lauren + andrea L... sooo much fun -MOnday helped my aunt with my cousins party, wiped out on her deck so now my ass bone hurts, mom went to the hospital and is there now, and derek and me chilled all night.... sooo thats sooo far....I LOVE SUMMER!!!

(1 made a rainbow | color me!) and the picture frames are facing down... [22 Jun 2005|08:36pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | dashboard ] i did it again why am i like this? its wrong and i know it, but what else can i do? im giving up again.. i worked so hard not to.. but i guess thats just me. its me and i cant do anything about it.... i'd apologize...... but theres no reason

(1 made a rainbow | color me!) like a shooting star across the midnight sky... [21 Jun 2005|10:07pm] [ mood | discontent ] [ music | techno ] i took all my old pictures out of their frames tonight somehow they just didnt seem appropriate in my room anymore there faces i remember but dont know anymore... I think that the worst kind of heartache is when its over your friends, not lover... lovers are replaced if they for some reason leave, but its your friends that help you get over them. I have amazing friends right now... but its not the same as having my best friends, keir's the only one i have like that. i shouldnt be sad, i shouldnt, but i cant help it. Non of them care... i honestly question why i do... ANyways, i had a busy day with damian, keir, and derek and people in between... Damian is the one friend i've actually kept from these past 3 years, he cares and i love him, he listens and he lets me help him too... <3 Oh and i have the best boyfriend ever... i would just like to add that as my closing statment because i refuse to end this entry on a bad note...

(1 made a rainbow | color me!) i've been sleepin' with ghosts, i've been watching stars crawlin out of the sky.... [16 Jun 2005|10:22pm] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | something corporate ] "callin out to the astronaut, i need some of what you got, i need to be highh..." I want the summer to come so bad, but i have a feeling its just not going to be the same, its not going to be like i want it to be. Its just something i have to deal with though, i cant change certain things, especially since its been such a long time coming along with such a battle... I miss the boys and girls of last summer, and the summer before that, but i cant change it, my life is in a totally different place right now.... Life is soo far from perfect, which it understandably is, but it never seemed so far before, it used to be almost blissful... -Honestly i feel so dumb for wishing for it all back, none of those people care anymore or i wouldnt feel like this. Right now the people who are around are amazing and i love them so dearly, i have the best time of my life with them. Somehow it doesnt quite compare.. i cannot believe i can sit here and cry over something so dumb, i hate that i care. I hate that miss them when they dont care and i have wonderful people in my life but i want more, i want it back... w/e im being stupid... FUCKKKKKK

(4 made a rainbow | color me!) but it doesnt make it any better, it doesnt make it any better.... [12 Jun 2005|11:52am] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | dashboard ] "...reminds you that the memories will fade..." life is soo weird right now... so incrediably weird.... I have a different group of friends...keir amanda and nicole are awesome, and i love them to death, but at the same time im still getting used to it. Im still getting used to the incredible boyfriend i have, its still kinda new to me for some reason, but that isnt nessessarly a bad thing. I just thought that my friends from the begining of highschool would always be my best friends. That was a very niave idea, and i should have known that. I just keep thinking that there is only 1 year left and highschool is over and i doubt im going to see anyone after that. Sometimes you think bonds with certian friends are unbreakable untill one day you turn around and you dont even recognize them, they arent around anymore, they found someone better... but its ok, i think i would rather gradually be distanced from them than have it all come crashing down this time next year. I hate highschool, i learned alot, but i hate it, and i cannot wait till its over and i stop being forced to live in this little bubble of a world.....

(6 made a rainbow | color me!) what is love? baby dont hurt me, dont hurt me, no more.... [10 May 2005|05:40pm] [ mood | grumpy ] [ music | satisfaction(club mix) ] The Keys to Your Heart You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. What Are The Keys To Your Heart? RAWR!!! Boyfriend got mad at me cuz i dont feel like sitting around and doing nothing while he sleeps alll afternoon.... guess i suck alot...??? blah blah blah. nothing much to say... going upstate for a few days memorial day weekend with ana... so far i think keith and aslan are coming, thats all i know of at the moment...who knows whats goin on, i didnt wanna go down the shore cuz all the fags from wayne and every other gay town will be down there,im dealing with that prom weekend, ill enjoy this break... rawr rawr rawr.. school sucks alot...where is my keirstan!?!...im sleepy... i miss holly's gay face...ana needs to stop playing lacross so i can rape her multiple times...annnggg likes the vagina... lol... hummm, ok well thats enough of that random thought shit... i think ill go now...

(color me!) fighting for the smallest goal to get a little self control... [26 Apr 2005|08:14pm] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | me and mia ] ok... ER all last night with the boyfriend who crushed his hand... Stayed home today, exhausted plus HORRIBLE migraine... Went out to get coffee and note cards with damian b4, been in my house for all but 1 hour today..... I CANT FOCUS on anything, im sooo faint and dizzy... WHAT THE FUCK!? Going to a fashion show for PV tomorrow for Jon with keir... :) i dont feel good...RAWR Headaches... i wish they would just put me on bedside for the rest of the year cuz i flat out dont think i can keep going to schoool the way i feel latly... i cant look in another direction without feeling like im going to pass out............ AHHH...

(5 made a rainbow | color me!) i dont know what its like to be you baby, but by the way it looks, i dont want to... [17 Apr 2005|12:16am] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | so/co ] i miss alot of things, tonight got me thinking... I miss the summer where everything seemed perfect. I miss being up really late at night, after drinking and laughing and sitting out under the starry summer sky, in beds all cuddled up with my best friends and listening to the dramatic piano playing in the background of the hollow sounds of something corporate. Telling secrets, laughing till dawn, holding eachother while we cried, making the best of bad situtions, taking goofy pictures, sleeping till noon and then some, making cakes and breakfast, talking about silly boys... the time reality was almost a dream. The bad things in the world never affected us, we wouldnt even notice, we were so caught up in living life as if it would always be perfect; Like feelings would never change, we knew everything about the other one or close to everything. It seems like life is very cut-and-dry. Theres more anger and less love. Emotions arent felt as deeply, i guess maybe emotions that strong come from immaturity, or maybe even being young and niave, but i thought thats the way its supposed to be. Saying everything you felt inside out-right to others, an understanding,a trust, being physical and emotional at the same time and feeling like the whole world was contained in one single moment, minute, hour or day. Things felt real back then. Real in a different way, not in the sense that it was reality itself, but real where your world is not only around you but inside of you, inside of those people closest to you...... i feel like my world is over, like im now in the real world with everyone else, people you dont know, you dont understand, you dont associate as being apart of your life.Its like when you see them walk by, as if you cannot place them as to who they really are in your life. Everyday seems shorter when it comes time to fall asleep, like is going faster and faster, its hard to recognize my life how it is now. Everything just doesnt seem to quite make sense or add up..... its so weird...

(8 made a rainbow | color me!) never knew i could feel like this,like i've never seen the sky b4, i want 2 vanish inside your kiss. [28 Mar 2005|12:39am] [ mood | good ] [ music | come what may-ewan mcgregor ] "every day i love you more and more...." things have been very crazy latly... especially with friends... I've come to realize thats friends are wonderful but at the same time arent quite as good as they seem in retro-spec...after a while people seem to push your feeling aside like they dont matter anymore, as if you wont be hurt by anything they say or do...i've been ditched when hanging out with one person, hanging out with a different one ment she could have her "friends around" and clearly wasnt "fair", i've had another friend help my ex-boyfriend cheat on me and not know about it for months after we broke up, and these 3 people all along claimed to be my best friend at one point or another.. i may have done my fair share of hurting them too, but those three examples are things that with one small ounce of thought, love, or real friendship could have been prevented and should never have had happened... they never seemed to notice that it hurt, or really understand that it wasnt right.. but right now, without them, im doing just fine.... I am absolulty in LOVE with derek, he is amazing and he is perfect for me. Thats one better thing in my life than b4, i also have my keirstan who i adore!! we have soo much fun together and its soo great that now she is hooking up with one of dereks best friend, which means we have even more fun when we all hang out... there also the other mess of people who are always around and always cool to chill with. those 2 are the greatest people in my life right now, and oddly enough i trust them both with everything and anything, something i have felt in a while. Sure, things will continue to change and change, people come and people go, but right now i am having the time of my life, and no one can be mad at me for being happy, truly happy. I think if any of the above mentioned "friends" really did care they would have tried to talk to me about it, i mean about all of it, try and change whats happened... but neither of the 2 i thought would have cared seem to... and thats fine i guess, but i am happy now and no one is going to change it, things can only get better because theres nothing that ill let make it bad!

(color me!) YIPPIEYIPPIEYUMYUM, GOODYGOODY GUMDROP put me in a tounge lock DID IT TILL MY BODY WENT NUMB NUMB... [22 Mar 2005|08:44pm] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | sugar gimme some ] so wanna know what i love.. the fact that no one is ever home at my house, and they dont leave me money, and never leave food i can eat in the house, so i starve till they come home.. and my mom and my sister walk in with MCdonalds, and my dad says he ate at some place.. and when i ask for someone to feed me, i get screamed at.. isnt that fucking hilarious, its too much to feed me as long as they already have eaten... thanks guyz... So i really think i need a job... and i CANNOT wait to move the fuck out of this place, i would rather just take care of myself without rules than have rules and depend on them... im totally sick of people and their crap... I mean they spend THOUSANDS of dollars on my sister for MODELING and all her classes and city trips and shit, plus her new clothes all the time, and shoes and such, and when i ask for anything, new clothes, a car, FOOD, shampoo, hairspray, ANYTHING at all, MONEY IS A PROBLEM... ok guyz, real fair.. THEY ARE SOO STUPID, I WANT OUT!!!!!!!! Besides my parents being dumb assholes, i have the best boyfriend EVER and he is soooooo perfect and i looovvveeee himm!!!!! And i cannot wait for the weekend, keir and I have the best plans in mind, plus the boys will be with us and stuff, so w/e parents suck, but i have a pretty awesome life besides them... <3

(color me!) INtroducted to the ya to the yo......... [20 Mar 2005|11:37pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | postal service... ] i am soo stupid, its like i am ment to fuck up anything good that comes into my life anything thats supposed to be good i fuck up I'm just bad luck I'm stupid... I NEED to GET AWAY... ALL I DO IS HURT I'm hurting too ITs like i cant controll the fact that im ment to be miserable... i dont understand, i should just give up entirly

(2 made a rainbow | color me!) i never knew you threw soo hard.... [13 Mar 2005|02:42pm] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | sayanything-alivewiththegloryoflove ] I have alot of anger inside my today... so this is the yelling entry.... THere are soo many fucked up people in the world, and there are people you think are your real friends when really, when it comes to making significant decisions, they usually fuck you over. But none-the-less people fail to realize that they are selfish, oblivious, self-concerned assholes. Thats how i really feel. I'm sick of being second, i'm sick of friends who are really inconsiderate, and there are sooo many of them. IM not going to say im always right with everything i do, but i can honestly say that i do try to make all my friends happy. I have one friend who does that that i can think of right now who i think actually knows the value of friendship, everyone else is too overly concerned with guyz/hormones/ and hopes of illusions they concoct in their minds, will come true. I WISH YOU COULD SEE ITS ALL IN YOUR HEADS, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE TRUTH IS! Its stupidity and ignorance... and i always shut up and never tell these people how i honestly feel, and i probably should, but instead ill just let it fade away, im happy with my boyfriend, his friends, and a select few of mine.. i really think the world should fuck off...

(2 made a rainbow | color me!) touchdown turnaround, everything is safe and sound, anywhere anytime, i am yours and you are mine... [11 Mar 2005|06:43pm] [ mood | sick ] [ music | hello goodbye ] i have been sooo sick the past 3 days... Spiked a fever tuesday night stayed home wednesday went to school on thursday because it was keirs b-day and i want to hang out with her, and if i didnt i would be allowed to, but i wound up feel like shit and had to go home early stayed home today, but on a brighter note i am feeling better comparitivly... ohh and by the way i have the best boyfriend EVER!!! he's been here every night just sitting around watching TV with me! Even when im sick he wants to be around me and i LOVE him keeping me company! <333 SO parents and sister should DIE cuz they just piss me off and make me feel worse than i already do... And its friday night and i am home... i cant remember the last friday night i spent home.. this succckksss!!! So hopfully tomorrow ill feel even better and can spend the day with keir and try and make up being sick and not seeing her on her birthday!

(1 made a rainbow | color me!) and if your creepin' please dont let it show, ohh baby i dont wanna know... [06 Mar 2005|08:21pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | mario ] I am very very unhappy right now.. but on a brighter note, went to keir's family party today with markus.. yay! her birthday is THURSDAY!!! exciting!!!! :) ALot of drama and boy shit has been going around the group of us girls.. and i dont feel like dealing with it anymore.. i mean seriously, boys are fucking stupid... ANYWAY I LOVE MY KEIR... 4DAYSSSSSSSS

(6 made a rainbow | color me!) common just say it, you need me like a bad habit.... [03 Mar 2005|09:32pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | tbs ] Rawr.. people=gay gay gay.... There totally needs to be less drama, this highschool thing is too much... Well in other news... I LOVE boyfriend... he is the best ever!! ANA is MY LOVVVVEEERR!!! ANG needs a swift kick in the ass, but i love her anyways KEIR is my thug... OHHHHHHHHH AND NO ONE SHOULD BE BAKING COOKIES FOR THE BOYS BUT ANA AND NIHARA.... STUPID GIRL....GGRRRR... lol... had to get that out... Umm... im sleepy and HSPA and this testing thing tomorrow makes me want to die, and i feel like a fucking lab rat.. new jersey sucks balls... i think im gunna draw bubbles all over the test tomorrow just cuz im mad about have to take a 3 hour test that means nothing to anyone but the people who are analyzing us... RAWR Futher more, i love matthew feinkind for a conversation about fuzzzy wuzzzy we just had that ended in "dayindayoutx: had no hair and was a glue-sniffing turd sandwich" THE END

(color me!) JUST MAKING THE MOST OF LIFE!!!!!!!!!! [20 Feb 2005|12:05am] [ mood | gloomy ] [ music | modest mouse ] I LOVE MY GIRLS! Hung out with Keir and Marta alllll friday... soo much fun being girls! Us three and kim were chillin allll day... lol girl time is soo much fun... no drama at all. Just fun... Sooooooo i love botiques in westwood, got the cutest jacket, EVER, there today! :) I love to shop!!!! so im home, and sleepy and not feeling so great, my tummy hurts... Anyways so i was thinking about stuff, and how love is a really weird thing, and i can think back to times where all i wanted was one boy to love me and be around me and call me all the time. And how one person, whoever it was at the time, would make me soo happy i would never ever want to lose that, but from all that i've become such a independent person, i want to do what i want, where i want, with who i want, and now i kinda have what i was looking for all this time, but i've changed so much from who i used to be its hard to know what i want now...This Love thing, if its real, i dont know how to handle it at this point, how does someone believe the words "i LOVE you" after its been said so many times before when it was only a lie? He says it and i want to believe it soooo badly, with everything i am, i want to trust him, but its not so easy. Its scary to think that i could fall in love like i have so many times before only to be hurt soooo badly again. Maybe im afriad of missing out on other guyz, but at the same time i could wind up missing out on him... he is truly amazing, in everyway i could think of, its me, not him, who is the problem... i guess ill just let things happen for themselves and see what happens, chances are they'll wind up like they always do... not how i wanted, but i guess if i go by that i have no expectations, no hopes and no deep heart break because i dont think i could handle that right now, or anytime soon... w/e... .......... good night.....

(color me!) oh my love, your word is my command... [15 Feb 2005|08:52pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | candy man ] LifE is excellent... went shopping with Keir, amanda, kim and steph today... then to ANA'S!!! AND DEREK picked us up and we went to the diner! then me and him came back to my house and watched tv! AND HE IS THE BEST BOY EVER!!!!!!!!! EVER!!!! almost too good... but w/e i luuuuvvvv him!!! <3 my valentine... <3 <---- well i dont like valentines day but he made it good, even against my will... lol iMMM SSOOO SLEEEEPPPYYY NIGHTTTTTTT

(2 made a rainbow | color me!) you say goodbye when i say hello... [09 Feb 2005|03:01pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | beatles ] hiiiiiiiii IM at dereks right now and he is showering cuz he is a smelly boy... lol Its ash wednesday, so me and mommy and jackie have to go to church but 1st me and derek have to take mommy to get her car from BMW cuz she killed it.. and then he is gunna sleep on my couch while we go be Catholics like we are... lol OK im bored.. he wanted me to make cds but there isnt much of a selection on this computer so i gave up.... UMM KAREN called last night i love her X1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 ... people in my school know more than they should about my life and some people somehow keep getting involved in my life and i might just have to kill someone! grrrrrrrrrr... Parties all weekend! Tea's friday and danny's saturday! yay! and keir is all mine this weekend.. YAY! I'm really sleepy and want to go to bed nowwwwww... i hope it snows alot tomorrow and all the roads are frozen and we dont have school, i need sleep. Which is also why im quitting my job no time for sleep, no time to chyllen out, ohh and now they want me to work friday and saturday nights??!?! WTF? nooo way.. bye bye learning express!! Anyone want a crappy job!? go apply... lol....

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